I had a less than stellar conversation today with my parents. Life is not easy for them, but their love for their kids keeps them in it, and they are happy to help. They have a lot to think about, many people to care for and have sacrificed much. And as you can imagine, it can be very emotionally and physically draining. Today they just needed to express their hurt and their hardships, and I’m ashamed to admit that I didn’t want to hear it. I usually do very well in my own world without having to consider other people’s feelings, but this is a very selfish way to live. And I’m sorry for that. After our conversation, I was emotional. I decided to go for a run because my body and mind needed it. Sometimes I pray on my runs, and I probably look very strange because I talk out loud to God as if He’s beside me running, too. I like that. And today, I was asking Him for help, for steps forward in Harrison’s recovery, for encouragement for him and my parents, and for a spirit of resilience for all of us as we move through this life.
I got up the road without crying, because I really just don’t want to do it. It usually ruins the rest of my day. But as I asked God for His help out loud, I heard my heart and the tears came. Sometimes saying things out loud helps me understand my own self better. I spoke to God: “You tell me my faith can move mountains, but I can’t move this mountain. I need your help moving it, and it doesn’t seem like you’re helping me.” I don’t doubt God’s existence ever, but I do often doubt what He’s doing. When I ask, “Why don’t you do it this way?,” I am implying I know what’s best. Don’t we all do that sometimes? And then Job came to mind (I often think about Job), and I remembered the interaction he had with God in the midst of his great suffering. And at some point, Job is very upset with God, asking Him, “Why do you hide your face and count me as your enemy?” (Job 13:24). Oops, sounds familiar. And God responds, “Where were you when I laid the foundation of the earth?” As I take it, God is telling Job he needs to cool it because he doesn’t know everything and is trying to question the Sovereign Creator of the Earth.
So it’s here that I found myself nearing the end of my run (it was a short run, I’m trying, ok haha). I am just like Job in my complaining and questioning of God. It’s silly to think that my 25 years on the Earth are sufficient to tell God what I think He ought to do. I know, it’s funny, isn’t it? Satan’s craft centers on creating doubt in my mind about what the Lord’s doing, and he finds ways into my head to make me question my God, the One who loves me most. But because of Job and the Holy Spirit’s nudge, I remembered all the security and provision that God has provided to Harry and me over the past nearly 3 years. Time and time again, He has gone before us and set things in place to occur at just the right time, so we would be cared for. He has done it all and I KNOW it is God.
Do you have an older, very trusted person in your life? I think of members of my family, like my parents and grandparents (who are/were all amazing people, by the way). You know when they have done something you don’t quite understand and they’re not around to ask at the moment? But you think, “Oh, they must have had a good reason for doing this that I just don’t understand because I’m 25 and don’t know as much.” Why don’t we apply that same reason to our interactions with God instead of trying to tell Him (who has been around literally FOREVER) what we think He ought to do? He laid the foundation of the Earth and I’m over here telling Him He forgot about us.
But He’s never forgotten us. I could tell you several ways this week where I have seen God provide for and love us. He hasn’t given me what I want, which is to have Harry talking, walking and being free of his body. And I don’t understand that, but I am not God. I cannot see all and have no idea why, but I do trust that God has His reasons for not healing Harrison yet. And though he hasn’t answered my ultimate prayer for healing, he has given me all I need to get through this, including a spirit of peace. It’s only when I take my eyes off God and listen to Satan’s nonsense that I become afraid and begin questioning Him as I do. Thankfully, God is gracious and can handle me. I love Him and He loves me, and it’s just that simple. Because He sent His son here to die for you and me, I know where I’m going when I get done here. And I’ll have faith and God’s help to move mountains in the meantime. Me and Harry, both.